


Gellert Grindelwald: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

by MathConcepts



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Every stereotype about Grindeldore rolled into one neat fic, Grindeldore, He has a jealousy issue, Humor, M/M, Making fun of Grindelwald's jealousy issue, Mild Language, Other, Owner's Guide and Manual fic, Sexual innuendos, lots of crack, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-05-28 16:45:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19398247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MathConcepts/pseuds/MathConcepts
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS!You are now the proud owner of a GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit!Follow the guidelines in this manual and your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit will give you decades of quality performance.





	Gellert Grindelwald: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CindyBlack244](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CindyBlack244/gifts).



> Special thanks to Theresa Green, for giving me the idea for this fic, and for being my beta!

Gellert Grindelwald: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit!  
  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your GELLERT GRINDELWALD will give you decades of quality performance.  
  


INSTALLATION:

When you receive your GELLERT GRINDELWALD remove him from his packaging and save package for future reference.  
  
Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit.

(a) GELLERT GRINDELWALD 1.0 Bookverse (copyright J.K Rowling )

(b) GELLERT GRINDELWALD 2.0 Movieverse (copyright J.K Rowling )

Note: This Owner’s Manual refers to GELLERT GRINDELWALD 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one Johnny Depp. If you receive a unit with longer hair and no mustache, you have been given the YOUNG GELLERT GRINDELWALD (Jamie Campbell Bower) unit. You can return this unit, or keep him, depending on your prerogative and fanfiction tastes. /

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:

Name: Gellert Grindelwald  
  
Marital Status: Single, although if you pair your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit with a ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit, the Marital Status of your GELLERT GRINDELWAD unit is subject to change.  
  
Place of Birth: Unknown

Home Town: Unknown

Species: Human, Wizard

Height: 5'10"

Weight: Insufficient data

Hair Color: Blond

Eyes: Black and blue, heterochromatic 

Sexuality: ”What makes Albus Dumbledore so fond of you, Mr. Scamander?” “Do you think Albus Dumbledore will mourn for you?”  
  
(Note: In good humor, your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit’s sexuality varies between the modes of ‘Insanely jealous of the Scamander boy’ and ‘Wearing blood troth pendant over heart’)

OPERATING PROCEDURE:

Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in English or German. (He is fluent in both.)

Remember that your GELLERT GRINDELWALD is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

  
  
INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT:  
  
Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is of above average intelligence. Yes, he was expelled from school as a teenager. Yes, he was expelled from school as a teenager. He was stupid enough to get caught doing illegal experiments in the school lab. (But he is still intelligent, manufacturer's guarantee)   
  
BRAINCELL QUOTIENT:  
Your ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit is in possession of your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit’s sole braincell.   
  
  
  
COMBAT:

Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is programmed with multiple defense techniques with a wand and without. He will not hesitate to use force if someone tries to threaten him, or someone he loves. If a NEWT SCAMANDER unit happens to get on the business end of your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit’s wand, it will not end nicely.  
  
(Note: As your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is capable of doing magic without a wand, depriving your unit of a wand in an attempt to stop him from doing magic is unwise and a recipe for disaster.)

  
  
SEER ABILITIES:  
Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is ablee to see the future to some extent. That does not mean that he can tell you anything about your future. It is essential that you do not pester him about it. 

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:

You will find that your GELLERT GRINDELWALD is most compatible with other witches and wizards. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your GELLERT GRINDELWALD in conjunction with any model other than the QUEENIE GOLDSTEIN 1.0, BATHILDA BAGSHOT 1.0, CREDENCE BAREBONE 1.0, and the ALBUS DUMBLEDORE 1.0, 2.0, 3.0 units. Peak interaction efficiency is reached when your GELLERT GRINDELWALD is paired with a ALBUS DUMBLEDORE 3.0 (Jude Law) unit.

Note: If you wish to pair your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit with another unit that is not the ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit in the hopes of a romantic connection forming, you’ll have to immediately consult your manual for troubleshooting issues.  
  
Do not attempt to pair your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit with the BATHILDA BAGSHOT or CREDENCE BAREBONE units. Any attempt to make these units interface will result in the immediate fritz of your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit.  
  
Trying to pair your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit with a self-programmable, ORIGINAL CHARACTER unit, or OC for short, will also cause your unit to fritz. It is highly recommended that you never try it.

  
  
MODES:  
  
Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit has several modes he can be set to.

  
(a) Pining over Albus Dumbledore mode  
  
(b) Jealous over Albus Dumbledore mode

(c) Wanting to kill Newt Scamander because he's jealous over Albus Dumbledore mode  
  
(d) Enemy mode  
  
(e) Dramatic Speech mode  
  
(f) Manipulating Credence Barebone mode  
  
(g) Horny on main for Albus Dumbldore mode

WARNING: It is recommended, but not required that both the GELLERT GRINDELWALD units and ALBUS DUMBLEDORE units be set to the same interaction mode. If the GELLERT GRINDELWALD model is set to 'Jealous over Albus Dumbledore mode' while the ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit is set to ‘Tired of your shit Gellert mode’ it will take longer than usual for the units to preform intercourse.

  
  
ACCESSORIES:

These are the items with which your GELLERT GRINDELWALD comes equipped with.

GELLERT GRINDELWALD 2.0:  
  
Elder Wand (1)  
  
Blood Troth Pendant, to be placed in the left breast pocket of your unit's coat (1)  
  
Shirt (1)  
  
Vest (1)  
  
Long Coat (1)  
  
Trousers (1)  
  
Leather Boots (1 pair)  
  
Chupacabra (1)  
  
Skull-Hookah (1)  
  
Break-Up Hairstyle (1)  
  
  
  
  
EMOTIONAL ACCESSORIES:

This edition is equipped with:  
  
(a) Mutual pining over one Albus Dumbledore (infinite)  
  
(b) Jealous Traits When Albus Dumbledore is concerned (out the fucking roof)  
  
(c) Believing in magic supremacy (tyrant status)  
  
(d) Dramatics (super intense)

  
  
  
CLEANING:

Depending on the uses to which you put your GELLERT GRINDELWALD, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. It is highly recommended that you purchase an ALBUS DUMBLORE unit to assist your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit with his cleaning needs.

  
  
  
LUBRICATION:

To ensure that your GELLERT GRINDELWALD remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit can be provided by the ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit, sold separately.

  
RECHARGING:

After long periods of use, your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your wizard.

  
  
FOOD:  
  
This unit is compatible with all types of edible sustenance.

  
  
DRINK:  
  
This unit is compatible with all types of edible liquids.  
  
  
Note: If the GELLERT GRINDELWALD UNIT is given three steins of German Beer, the program Drunken Love Confession exe is unlocked. This program will only function if your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is in close proximity with an ALBUS DUMBLDORE unit. 

Sleep:  
  
Research has showed that the efficiency of the GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit’s rest cycle can be augmented or hindered by sharing a bed with the ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit, but performance may vary depending on the mood, energy levels, jealousy levels and arousal levels of your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit.

  
  
REPROGRAMMING:

The GELLERT GRINDELWALD 2.0 is issued with a revised ‘Grindeldore Is Canon Now Bitches (copyright J.k Rowling)’ program. Please see your favorite fanfiction site for details of this upgrade.

  
  
  
SECURITY:

Thanks to the popularity of the GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit, it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your wizard.  
* Have your GELLERT GRINDELWALD micro-chipped. Choose a location near a barn, and bring an AlBUS DUMBLEDORE unit with you to carry out this procedure. (Note: Only an ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit will be able to carry out this procedure.You will also want to lay out some soft blankets in the barn) 

* Do not leave your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unattended in public. He will attempt to detract from and subjugate the surrounding citzens.

* Do not lend your GELLERT GRINDELWALD to anyone (your ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit, if you possess one, will go into Stare Longingly Into Mirror of Erised mode until your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is returned)

  
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: Why is my GELLERT GRINDELWAD unit chasing my friend's NEWT SCAMANDER unit down the street, shouting something about 'Dumbledore' and importance'?

A: Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is in mode (c) Wanting to kill Newt Scamander because he's jealous over Albus Dumbledore mode. Immediately present your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit with a shirtless ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit to reset him.

Q: My GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is going on a rampage through my neighborhood, killing my neighbors and setting things on fire with blue flame. Now he's making a speechsomething about wizard supremacy?  
  
A: Hide, bitch.  
  
  
Q: My GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is sitting on top of my roof, gazing out into the distance, while holding his pendant. Is this a problem? 

A: He's pining. Acquire an ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit immediately.

  
  
  
  
  
TROUBLE SHOOTING:

Problem: Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit has gone absolutely apeshit on a TORQUIL TRAVERS unit.  
  
Solution: There is no solution, the TORQUIL TRAVERS unit has in some way inconvenienced or harmed an ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit, and your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit is now on the warpath. To attempt to prohibit your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit from dismembering the TRAVERS unit would be unwise. Let the situation play out, then run away before the police arrive.  
  
  
Problem: Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit has de-aged your ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit with an experimental spell. You now have a toddler AlBUS DUMBLEDORE unit.

Solution: Hand your de-aged ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit to your QUEENIE GOLDSTIEN unit (who will immediately be smitten by how adorable he is) Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit will immediately began working on a way to reverse the spell.

Problem: You have unpackaged your unit and instead of a GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit, you have received a unit with dark dreadlocks, eyeliner, tattoos and a funny hat. This unit may constantly ask for rum and insist that you call him 'Captain'.  
  
Solution: You have been issued a JACK SPARROW unit by mistake! You may exchange him for a GELLERT GRINDELWAD unit free of charge, or keep him to confuse the hell out of your ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit. Or you may monitor their interactions and write an AU/Crossover fanfiction.

Problem: Your unit keeps having horrible nightmares. He insists he's had a vision of his future. He says he's been trapped in a horrible prison called Nurmengard and he can't get out.

Solution: Buy an ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit immediately to temper your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit's somewhat violent tendencies, and keep his mind of his visions. Be sure that any ABERFORTH DUMBLEDORE units DO NOT interact with your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit or you might risk that future might coming true.

  
  
Problem: Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD can't shut up about how he wants to have revenge on the muggles, whatever that means. He says he wants to go on a killing spree, and is looking at you very, very funny. What do you do?  
  
Solution: Do your best to convince him not to, but if all else fails, perform a memory wipe. Just make sure you don't erase his memories of the ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit.  
  
  
  
Problem: Your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit just had a traumatic nightmare, in which your ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit was married to a TRAVERS unit.  
  
Solution: Give your GELLERT GRINDELWALD unit all the alcohol you can find, then lock him in a room with your ALBUS DUMBLEDORE unit for a day or so. That will defrag his system. 

  
  
  
  


ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:  
  
Warner Bros Headquarters  
  
J.K Rowling's address (redacted)  
  
All mail must be sent by owl.

  
  
  
  
  
THE END


End file.
